All that is me…

Can anybody hear me?
I scream,
But my voice falls upon deaf ears.
I talk,
And backs are turned.
I whisper,
But it’s not loud enough.
So I scream again,
But my voice falls upon deaf ears.

January 30, 2010
Unknown Friend
1234 Somewhere Place
Anytown, State ZIP

Dear  Unknown Friend,
There is something you must know about me.
When we first meet you are going to like me.
You will think I’m someone I may not really be.
You’ll want to be around me, in my presence, but not really understand why.
You will try and try to keep the friendship going,
But eventually I’ll try to hide.
I won’t answer phone calls or texts.
And when you invite me somewhere I’ll tell you I’m broke, or sick or even that I have to go to a family function.
None of this will be true.
I’m going to push you away.
That’s just what I do.
I don’t want to let anyone else in, yet I envy those people.
The ones with all those friends who spend all their time out on the town.
They like taking pictures of their adventures.
I want to be like them.
But I just won’t allow it.
There’s been too much hurt.
I don’t want to trust again.
Spend all my energy on someone when I could be spending it on myself.
That’s silly.  Selfish, but silly.
I wonder if I’ll overcome this some day?
Don’t take it personally.
It’s not just you.
Others too, have suffered the heartache of my isolation techniques.
I’m sorry.
Life will go on.
Just without me.

Sincerely yours,
Megan Weber

I am soooo loving this site!  For the longest time I’ve thought all the irritability I have pent up inside me just wasn’t right.  I thought I was different.  I have so desperately wanted to voice my thoughts but have refrained for the simple fact that it often leads to arguments or heightened conversations.  This is a page that displays the works of people like me who had that pent up irritability but were not afraid to voice their opinions and thoughts.  They’ve done what I’ve always wanted to do, but have been afraid to.  Kudos to you all!!  You are my heroes!

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

My new motto is it’s all about me.

I’ll no longer listen to what they have to say.  I will not change who I am for them.  If there is going to be any change it will be for me.

I will do what makes me happy.  I will control my own destiny.

If they won’t be there to support me and love me for who I am then they may as well not bother with me at all.

I will live in my own world, one which is run by reality and not by their candy coated shit.

This isn’t to say I will stop loving or supporting them, but I refuse to put up with the mind games anymore.

I will be sad when I want to be sad and happy when I want to be happy.

I control me.

It just had to go here!

A special song near and dear to my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip1zsUIosoA

“You can close your eyes to what you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to what you don’t want to feel” - Unknown

“There are nights I can’t remember, and friends I’ll never forget” - Toby Keith

“A friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.” - Len Wein

“One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other’s stories” - Rebecca Falls

“Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand.” - St. Francis of Assisi

“The key to success is getting ahead, but not a big one” - Unknown

“No one ever choked to death swallowing his pride” - Unknown

“Temper gets you into trouble, pride keeps you there” - Unknown

“After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box” - Unknown

“Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think” - Unknown

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” - Albert Einstein

“When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.” - Helen Keller

“I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce”

“We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?”

“I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a lot rockier than this. Are we thinkin’ the same thing? That John Denver is full of shit man!” - Dumb and Dumber

I almost forgot I had this so I’m revisiting it now and measuring my success.

Here they are:

1. Decorate my room in a forestesque type way.
2. Finish autobiography.
3. Make a home video for fam and friends.
4. Make a calendar for family for Christmas.
5. Start oil and gas course at SAIT.
6. Buy a new car.

7. Go back to the cottage.
8. Learn ACCESS
9. Start saving for a MAC
10. Go on a vacation somewhere sunny.
11. Get a high paying job.
12. Buy a condo/house.
13. Learn how to quilt.
14. Make a blanket.
15. Exercise more.
16. Finish reading Harry Potter.
17. Finish ASIP course.
18. Write a letter to every best friend.
19. Get eyes checked.

20. Get knee better.
21. Get my boating licence.
22. Do a business plan for my own side business.
23. Study 5 other religions.
24. Get better at tennis.
25. Go to the spa 3 times. (1)
26. Go to market 3 times.
(2)
27. Make 2 new friends.
28. Make personalized Christmas Cards.
29. Finish my recipe cook book.
30. Write 5 poems.
31. Get into the habit of using only cloth bags for grocery shopping.
32. Improve photography technique.
33. Donate to a charity.
34. Pay off credit card.
35. Learn papermaking.
36. Learn pottery wheel.
37. Make my home greener.
38. Eat more organic foods.
39. Catalog books (In progress)
40. Catalog DVD’s
41. Catalog CD’s
42. Save $3000 for vacation.
43. Book vacation.
44. Write 10 blog entries.
45. Work on family tree book.
46. Sort moms pics. (In progress)
47. Put them into albums.
48. Volunteer somewhere for at least 2 hours.
49. Send a just because package to a friend.
50. Host a party.
51. Go to church.
52. Fly a kite.
53. Post 2 book reviews.
54. Submit opinion piece to a newspaper.
55. Get passport renewed.
56. Visit Glenbow museum.
57. Obtain two pieces of art.
58. Do a sisters only get away.
59. See 2 plays.
60. Upload pics from younger years.
61. Do 26 things project. (sh1ft.org/26things)
62. Make pickles.
63. Try 10 new recipes.
64. Pay dad back.
65. Get real green tea from Chinatown.
66. Get a new tattoo.
67. Work on old friendships.
68. Throw out things I haven’t needed in a year.
69. Make a loaf of bread.
70. Attend a festival.
71. Make a crochet doll.
72. Change my cell plan.
73. Clean my computer.
74. Back up photos.
75. Listen to two books on tape. (1)
76. Make a family postcard.
77. Get good shoes for work.
78. Do yoga once a week for a month.
79. Get a magazine subscription for 6 months.
80. Watch Sex and the City DVS’s
81. Watch CSI DVD’s
82. Watch Family Guy DVD’s
83. Watch Astroboy DVD’s
84. Buy a fire proof lock box.
85. Learn basics of photoshop.
86. Fix all my clothes with holes.
87. Learn 20 new words.
88. Re-start RSP or start new investment.
89. Get rid of garage junk.
90. Pick out fabric for a new quilt.
91. Do 10 new drawings. (4)
92. Learn to surf.
93. Collect something that will hold more value in 25 years.
94. Keep photo journal of progress of this list. (In progress)
95. Crochet 10 scarves to give to charity.
96. Start a chain letter.
97. Get a small pet.
98. Find a place to set up greenhouse and set it up.
99. Go to New Zealand or Australia.
100. Go somewhere new in Canada.
101. Make a new list.

You were right. When you said they all come back and thank you for teaching them I didn’t believe it. Now I want to come back and thank you too. Thank you. I now know I deserve better. I know I am normal. I’ve learned it’s ok to expect more. It’s ok to be me and live the way I want to live. I know this now because you showed me the opposite of it all. You locked me up. You hid me from the world because I’m sure you knew how much better I could do in the light.

So I’ve done it. Just like I told you I would.

I’ve always wondered why I’m so easily irritated by stupid people. Why should it really matter? Well, someone so kindly pointed it out to me once a few months ago. I define stupid as having the ability to do something and not doing it or using that ability.

I dedicated 7 years of my life to working with people who have disabilities. I connected with them and understood them and often wished I was allowed to form friendships with them. I get what it’s like to not have what everyone else does because I’m reminded of it daily. So when you do have something I believe you should use it to it’s full potential.

So when it comes to dealing with people who are fully functional in every sense of the word and I watch them miuse and abuse their talents it angers me! Often people don’t realize just how lucky they are to be healthy and have a “normal” brain.

Now I know I’m not always brilliant and can often be ignorant, but I’m fully aware of these moments (maybe with the exception of the ignorant ones) in my life and I’m constantly putting the effort in to use my intelligence and show I have it.

If you have it, use it! Don’t abuse it because someday you might lose it.

Call me a dork, but I just absolutely love this song!

Ah, ah ah
You’re so good to me baby, baby

I wanna lock you up in my closet when no one’s around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket because you’re allowed
I wanna drive you into the corner and kiss you without a sound
I wanna stay this way forever I’ll say it loud

Now you’re in, and you can’t get out

[Chorus]
You make me so hot
Make me wanna drop
It’s so ridiculous
I can barely stop
I can hardly breathe
You make me wanna scream
You’re so fabulous
You’re so good to me baby, baby
You’re so good to me baby, baby

I can make you feel all better, just take it in
And I can show you all the places you’ve never been
And I can make you say everything that you’ve never said
And I will let you do anything again and again

Now you’re in, and you can’t get out

[Chorus]

Kiss me gently
Always I know
Hold me, love me
Don’t ever go
Ooh, yeah yeah

[Chorus X2]

You’re so good

It starts at my core and eats it’s way through. I fight to overcome it. I yearn to control it. It consumes me. Bit by bit, I can feel it surfacing. Not much longer now… The “what if’s” and the “how come’s” recycle themselves. Where did I go wrong? I remember it all too well. Getting closer… Can’t I make it stop? Shouldn’t I know better? Here it comes… the first tear, followed by the next. Then the anger. That’s the worst part. I must internalize, but still find my outlet. Not much longer, and it will all be gone. Regain the power, the confidence, the trust. And it’s done.

Relief.

The majority of people have the perception that all bankers and banks are simply out to get everyone’s money. I often hear the statement “you money-grubbers!” So I’m then lead to wonder why you wouldn’t just educate yourself if this is truly what you believe? If you did so you may actually find that when you manage your account properly you may actually get paid to have accounts with banks. I know… I’ve done my research.

When I believe something to be true I always take the time to put a bit of research into it so I don’t sound like an idiot when I make assumptions. Because we all know what the word assume means…

So the next time you decide to insult someone or something take a bit of time to educate your ignorant brain. You’re only making yourself look like an idiot.

One of my all time favourite things to do is camp. There’s something so wonderful about man vs nature and the fight to survive.

Now, when I say camping I don’t mean using those massive machines with comfy beds, a bathroom and a sink. No no. I’m talkin’ roughin’ it to the core. Well, maybe not the core, but close enough. The only luxuries I take with me are my air mattress and a lighter. Cooking happens on the fire and dishes happen with the closest source of water you can find.

I prep for my camping trips days in advance simply out of habit. These are some sights I find useful when doing so…

http://www.camping-canada.com/camping_checklist_e.htm (I don’t always use everything on this checklist, but it gives me a base to start from)

http://www.lovetheoutdoors.com/camping/Recipes.htm (this site has some great, simple recipes!)

http://www.pc.gc.ca/pn-np/ab/banff/visit/visit9_E.asp (Used for site booking in the rockies)

If you’re not going to prep in any way then the one thing I suggest having no matter what is a good blade. You’ll be surprised at how many uses one of these has.

Now if you really really want to rough it I suggest watching Survivorman. He taught me all I know about surviving in the wild… plus it provides for some wonderful entertainment!

Before these shadows stole the beat of my heart.
Before you lit a candle.
When my soul was overcome with fear.
I was something/someone else.
There was no way out, I had given up.
My facade was concealed.
The face you look at.
The smile.
My eyes.
Disguised to avert your attention from the miscreation.
I tell my heart to forget.
Helpless and alone, I had dug my own grave.
I am who I am.
I remain unseen.
The eternal barrier yet to be broken down.
A craving so deep yet unfulfilled.
I hide in fear.
Maybe one day you’ll find me.